Tumblr Funny Stories Tumblr Funny Stories

"Which I measured with my rulers"

I recently found out why my mom would never sleep around me when I was a kid. Like she'd never let herself take naps or sleep if I was awake, ever. Or if she did, she would lock her bedroom door.

So when I was 6, I was asleep in my bed in the middle of the night when I hear a loud bang, like a pot being dropped and come out to the living room to see my mom standing by the window, with just a huge pile of spaghetti all over the sill, and a pot on the ground, and I 'm like "Are you gonna eat all that?" And ya'll she get's BIG MAD and yells at me and chases me to my room but then a little while later a bunch of cops show up and ask me a bunch of random ass questions about my art? Like this one cop lady keeps asking me to draw dragons for her?! And they seem mad as hell

I didn't want to get arrested so I just never asked my mom for spaghettis after that. Lesson, learned. Don't ask mom for spaghettis or she'll call the damn police on you.

So I have this memory in my head, and it goes unquestioned until I say it outload for the first time a few months back and as soon as I say the words "When I was six, my mom called the cops on me for asking for spaghettis" My adult logic slams into place and is like "Hang on. Your mother definatly did not call the police on a 6 year old for asking for spaghetti."

So obviously that's not what really went down. I call up my mom to tell her how I remember it and on top of her figuring out why her kid has always been really cagey around spaghettis for the last 3 decades she tells me what really happened.

So on that night, a man tried to break into our house through the front window. It was just my mom, and her kids so she did what she felt she had too and shot him in the head. He'd been wearing a helmet, which landed on the floor under the window.

Now I just want ya'll to put yourselves in my moms shoes for a minute here. This woman has just taken a human life. The trauma of that- the instant agony, the panic, the guilt, the fear- all of it hitting her at once, her only solace the knowledge that her children are safe. She protected her daughters. No matter the cost to her soul- her children are safe.

Then she looks up and sees her six year old staring at the inside of this mans head before saying
"Are you gonna eat all that?"

I suspect they were trying to keep me busy and distracted while they cleaned up the corpse in the living room?!?

when i was younger i never used to lick the yoghurt off of yoghurt lids cause i saw a documentary once and in it there were clips of bears rootling through people's bins and in one of them a bear found a yoghurt lid and was licking the yoghurt off. i would be like "this is for the bears" and scoop a lil extra onto the lids before i put them in the bin, mum kept telling me "bears dont live here!" but i kept doing it… just in case

old people on facebook posts should be in the moma

oh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,my god

Yesterday at work these two 12yo boys came through my line and i'm instantly like. oh Boy. Because solo children at a grocery store are always forces of chaos, good or bad

But thankfully these ones were totally pleasant, and when i asked if they wanted a receipt one of them pulled out a random fuckin receipt from his bag and asked "Do YOU???" and y'all, i lost my shit… What a power move. When will i ever be this funny

one time i went to see my grandma in the hospital when she was just waking up from surgery and the first thing she said (really feebly) was "neil… what does… your shirt say" and i had to say "skate and destroy" in front of the nurse and my whole family

hallpred1988.blogspot.com

Source: https://funniest-stories.tumblr.com/

Share this post